| i don't know a word for this entry, except i feel like i could write so much more |
[21 May 2002|11:14pm] |
wow...that was a long conversation, i just got off the phone with adam. we talked about what went down yesterday, how i flipped out. it probably, and i can almost say definately, was not what i should have done yesterday. but i just feel like i had so much stress building up inside of me, that i just burst. and saddly,i was comfortable enough, and adam was unfortunate enough... that i vented on him... it's funny how that works, how one person once said:
'you end up hurting the ones you love.' i don't know who said it, but i should find out someday.
*sighs* and somehow, after talking with him...repeating myself endlessly, and trying to rationalize exactly what happened. i wished him good night, told him i loved him, and hung up...i felt refreshed, almost like a burden had been lifted. i realize this doesn't fix everything, because even though i talked rather honestly with him about how i felt about alexa. it is still up to me to mature past the point where i mistrust her, or him.
how i can accomplish that is beyond me, but i just felt releived to tell him the truth about how her little femnin wiles drove me insaine, because her intentions were pretty ovious to me. and it's strange, how as i overcome this feeling of releif i get this kind of anxious tension inside. i can't tell you why, or what it is about. i simply know that deep down, i feel something new, and i can't quite say what.
as for crew...i believe he told me some of his true feelings about crew, now i can't be sure if it was my opinion being pressed upon him, or him opening up now that i seemed to be more level-headed. but he told me that he felt it wasn't a good idea, and that he really did not like the idea of me rowing for another team. although i hate to admit to the fact that i don't entirely understand his modivations for saying that, i do understand that competing against eachother may create a tension for him which i may underestimate, or simply not be able to relate to. (not being a crew member myself)
i don't know what to truely think now, perhaps yesterday signified that we truely are different, or that we will not last. or perhaps yesterday, lead into today...where we had, what i believe to be a more honest conversation. and with luck, he felt (as i did) that perhaps there was less of a threat for being honest, because both of us were willing to listen...or to be wrong.
i just re-read everything i wrote, and some of it sounds crazy. yet i dont' know how i feel about that conversation, it was strange, and something i can't describe. almost as though, the adam i knew coming into that conversation, sounded much different than the adam which said goodnight. i really hope i reached him, because, as i realized last night after our fight. for the first time in my life i saw a side to adam which i had not seen before. and for the first time in this relationship, it wasn't me who sounded like a counsler who wanted to know what as wrong, or what bothered me. it was adam, and for the first time i wasn't questioning, but adam was questioning me, and furthermore seemed to truely care about my response.
i didn't realize it until i hung up the phone, that the adam which i had been talking with, was almost alien to me. and yet, i wanted to hear more of it...because some aspect of it attracted me. it's strange how i find it almost impossible to pinpoint exactly what was different about last night, aside from something changed in adam.
and like i said before, i hope i see that more often, when we're not in the heat of a battle.
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| peace of mind? |
[20 May 2002|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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frusterated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Radiohead - how to dissapear completely |
] |
it depresses me when i don't know what to think sometimes. furthermore, it depresses me when my peace of mind is destroyed. i blame school for that. particularly for making me perpetually in question of the validity of my relationship with adam.
every bump in the road leads me back to social living teacher's perspective: "teens cannot have intimate relationships"
which essentially says "teens cannot have true relationships."
and personally, i'm not entirely sure i can agree with that. on the basis that, simply because a teen may be lacking in one emotional aspect, doesn't necessarily imply that everything else is going to collapse.
for instance: if a elationship was a table.
then teenage relationships would be three-legged
it may not be as sturdy as a four legged table, but it stands just the same.
jesus i don't know. it just frustrates me to have to put adam through all this, through this traumatic shit, through all this insecurity and doubt. granted he really doesn't have a way with words sometimes..it doesn't necessarily imply that every time he says something stupidly, i should turn on the drama and threaten to break up with him.
but it's funny...how it never truly occurred to me, until today. that my schooling, has destroyed my peace of mind.
*sighs*
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| in relation to a previous entry. |
[20 May 2002|03:20pm] |
mm on another note,
isn't it wierd how after you notice something. it shows up everywhere.
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| god damnit adam! |
[20 May 2002|03:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Billie Holilday and Louis Armstrong - Summertime |
] |
i don't know what to make of adam sometimes, one of those things where they'll tell you willingly that htey love you. but that doesn't necessarily make it authentic... and with all this talk about true love at my school, it leaves me in doubt with him.... and furthermore, i just don't know... he sure doesn't ahve a way with words, like when i'm all hyped up with the notion of doing crew. he's all "yeah, no offense but i dont' think i'd want you on the same team as me." and i understan this. but somehow i really didn't want to fucking hear that. like it was not in my top ten things that i want to hear.
so i don't know, looks like my dreams have been squashed in regards to that..
but i suppose i can apply to <a href="http://www.greenlakecrew.org/>greenlake</a>... so i dont' know, i guess he wouldn't have said that if he didn't believe we could get along. which is too bad, because i guess that means he doesn't have faith in us. and it makes me feel as though our relationship is made out of air.
AND FURTHERMORE
i fucking hate it when i have an aspiration and i truely feel as though it's something i want, and everybody squashes the living shit out of it. it's so disheartening... well not this one, i'm diong this my way. and even if they dont' want me to. i'm going to row. and i'm going to do it for myself.
forget what adam says, we may not go out the entire year. who knows
but this crew endevour, i'm not going to let it get in my way.
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| an official birthday update |
[20 May 2002|05:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the prodigy - smack my bitch up |
] |
well, waaahaha BAM! i got two great presents, one, an  mp3 player. it holds up to 64 megs, but i'm not complaining. the sound on it is really crisp...and dare i say, better than a cd's quality? alllllllso it's about the size of my palm... so that's cool in itself because i can hide it just about anywhere!
either way i'm contented with that alone.
but then my older brothers joe and dan pitched in and bought me a monitor!
mostly because the monitor i have now doesn't even regester true white, like #FFFFFF, it can't show that colour. it's dimmed down a bit, and grayer, like somebody's got the brightness perpetually turned down..and yes i tried to adjust that.
adam gave it to me actually, it's from the early to mid 90's and has a suprising amount of quality to it. (it's a dell ultrascan...) but even then, it would still be nicer. so the monitor i'm getting is a 2002 model, so it's much much nicer, and the screen is bigger.
mmm, but on the downside, this school schedual is really starting to distroy my sleeping habbits, i've become so used to waking up early in the morning, and being exhausted by the end of the day. that i often take midday naps, which consequently make me refreshed...but at the same time, cause me to have a poor nights sleep. as for the weekends, i compensate for all of the lack of sleep i got during the week, and then some.
so all in all, i woke up around god damn 4 in the morning, and have been awake ever since.
*grumble*
i think i'm going to go shower.
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| good god! |
[19 May 2002|10:03pm] |
i'm not sure which is more impressing:
- they are real sunglasses
or
- they look so damn funky!
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| happy birthday to me! |
[19 May 2002|06:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Janis Joplin - Mary Jane |
] |
so today i suppose would be my ideal day (aside from the lack of adam, or other friends.) i woke up late afternoon, around twelve. struggeled listlessly to sign into goddamned yahoo, gave up. got to listen to exactly what i wanted, and my brothers had to tolerate it....namely a nice blusey number by BB King called sweet sixteen (it's only appropriate after all)
i then went down to the local mall and split a burrito with my little brother. later going to the grocery store to pick up some stuff with my mother, heading back home. sleeping for a few hours, sampling the cake. yet the big question is this:
what did they get me for my birthday?
will it be a high quality mp3 player, or a pair of socks (god know's they've done that to me before...
so i'm dying to open my present
as for aol, some may notice this but i'm imagining that 99.9% won't... i've changed my screen name (for the time being) to Dictaphone01. if you check out my LJ profile, it should be on there as well...if it isn't, i'll be damned.
>
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| (a class assignment) all books i can recollect reading, or intend to read: |
[18 May 2002|06:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
peter frampton - do you feel like we do (live) |
] |
(yet to be read) Einar Mar Gudmundsson:
Angels of the universe
(yet to be read) Peter Seeberg:
The Imposter
(yet to be read) Klaus Rifbjerg:
Wittness to The Future
War
Joker
Anna,I,Anna
(yet to be read) Halldor Laxness:
Indipendent People: An Epic
World Light
The Fish Can Sing
The Atom Station
(yet to be read)Hannes Petursson:
Dependence on Tranquilizers
Eiji Yoshikawa:
Musashi
Taiko
The Art of War
Fragments of a Past : A Memoir
Joseph Heller:
Catch 22
(yet to be read) Hans Kirk:
The Slave
Arthur S. Golden:
Memoirs of a Geisha
Irvine Welsh:
Filth
The Acid House
Glue
Trainspotting
Ecstasy
Open City Number Five: Change or Die
Peter Shaffer:
Amadeus
S. E. Hinton:
The Outsiders
Kahlil Gibran:
The Prophet
Fyodor Dostoevsky:
Crime and Punishment
Victor E. Kappeler:
The Mythology of Crime and Criminal Justice
Michel Foucault:
The History of Sexuality: An Introduction
Discipline and Punish : The Birth of the Prison
Joseph Conrad:
Heart of Darkness
The Secret Sharer.
George Orwell:
Animal Farm
1984
Down and Out in Paris and London
(yet to be read)Henrik Ibsen:
A Doll House
the Wild Duck
Hedda Gabler
the Master Builder
Jane Austin:
Sense and Sensibility
Nathaniel Hawthorne:
The Scarlet Letter
Sarah Weddington:
A Question of Choice
Quintus. Horatius Flaccus:
Satires And Epistles of Horace
Shakespeare:
Julius Caesar
Romeo and Juilet
Hamlet
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Much Ado About Nothing
Macbeth
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.:
Cat's Cradle
Slaughterhouse Five
Sirens of Titan
(yet to be read) Tove Ditlevsen:
Complete Freedom and Other Stories
Early Spring
The Faces
Sylvia Plath:
Johnny Panic and The Bible of Dreams
Ariel
Ted Hughes:
Birthday Letters
Tales from Ovid
Thompson Hunter:
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Fear and Loathing : On The Campaign Trail 72
Fear and Loathing in America
Hell's Angels
Gonzo, The Art
Screwjack and Other Stories
The Rum Diary
Great Shark Hunt
Sidetripping
Charles Dickens:
Great Expectations
A Tale of Two Cities
A Christmas Carol
Herman Hesse:
Steppenwolf
Siddheartha
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| roar! |
[18 May 2002|05:50pm] |
You are Optimus Prime!
Vast, red and ready to turn into a lorry at the slightest provocation, you are a robot to be reckoned with. Although sickeningly noble, you just can't resist a good interplanetary war, especially when Orson Welles is involved. You have friends who can shoot tapes from their chests. Tapes that turn into panthers. And other friends who are dinosaurs. Dinosaurs who jump out of planes. Will you have my children?
Tell the world you're an Autobot with the following non-heat-sensitive sticker :
Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
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| english class r0x0rs my b0x0rs!! |
[15 May 2002|09:05pm] |
fyrst i ros: these two jock ass-holes in my class were bullshitting this kid, but he was so naieve he believed them
fyrst i ros: and seb watched the whole thing take place
nostrebhtuca: hehehe
fyrst i ros: well, at the end, seb is talking with these two guys, casual conversation
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: and i notice that SEB has turned the table and is completely bullshitting them, and they're too naive to see it
nostrebhtuca: lofl
fyrst i ros: and eventually one of the jocks says "hey, will you give us extra credit, if we promise not to kill anybody?"
fyrst i ros: and the other kids like "yeah!!"
fyrst i ros: and seb raises one eyebrow at them and says
fyrst i ros: "i'll bring it up at the staff meeting tomorrow 'how would you feel if i give two students of mine extra credit to not kill anybody?'"
fyrst i ros: and these kids realize exactly how bad that sounds
fyrst i ros: and so they're all "aww seb you know we were just kidding"
fyrst i ros: but he pretened to be entirely serious!!
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: and so after about twenty minutes, and the class is done with one assignment he says "i would like to know how all of you feel if two students in one of my classes is offered extra credit not to kill anybody?"
fyrst i ros: and one girl is all "they need serious therapy!"
fyrst i ros: and this other guy is all "i'd beat them up!"
fyrst i ros: and then i'm all "muahaha, shock therapy."
fyrst i ros: and it just keeps going round the room, and these guys feel stupider and stupider
nostrebhtuca: jejejejee
fyrst i ros: WELL eventually, seb puts a transparancy on the overhead that says "write down one stupid thing you've done within the past ten days."
fyrst i ros: well these two guys think and think and think and think
fyrst i ros: and while the rest of the class is writing, one says to seb "i can't htink of anything." and seb's all "i can think of plenty of things, just within this class period."
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| a call to arms (a crisis of the sexual kind) |
[23 Mar 2002|10:17pm] |
|
ulterior motives make me laugh. after all, what ever happened to being blunt?
you never see people get along simply on the basis of stating their needs...despite how practical that would be...simply because to do so would be regarded as brutish, and uncivilized.
but what the hell is wrong with being honest? why live in a society where beating around the bush (oh look, i punned.)...and or spending the socially acceptable amount of time socializing with the "fairer" sex to simply get to the point (oh look, i punned again.)
take my good friend soren here for instance, this 'poor' boy has a (growing and glowing) congregation of sexually pent-up girls drooling at his every whim.
and for some reason, none of them to my knowledge have ever come out and said "you're deep and provocative nature, and meloncholy arouse me! fuck me!"
why this is? i honesty don't know, perhaps it is some derivitave of that horrible notion of impulse control. or maybe perhaps it's an attempt to prolong the stage where masturbation is the only sexual contact.
either way, those who do this horrible little stunt should simply acknowledge the fact that,
1. life goes on.
and
2. your shy (as well as completely oblivious to that matter.)
get over it.
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| now what you need to ask is, "did she ever change?" and i say "AW HELL NO!" |
[23 Mar 2002|10:09pm] |
|
fyrst i ros: hey adam, guess what time it is NOW!2#23453
fyrst i ros: URINARY TRACT INFECTION TIME !@!!!123
fyrst i ros: *falls over grabbing her cooch*
fyrst i ros: awhhh it burns
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: *rolls about*
fyrst i ros: i have a low grade fever!
fyrst i ros: and experiance nausia!
fyrst i ros: *rolls*
fyrst i ros: i have pain in my abdomen and pelvic area!
fyrst i ros: *rolls*
fyrst i ros: it burns so pretty!
nostrebhtuca: dahhh
fyrst i ros: *leaks urine onto her clothing (and or) bedsheets*
nostrebhtuca: o00
fyrst i ros: and it smells unusually cloudy!
fyrst i ros: wait, that is to say it LOOKS unusually cloudy
fyrst i ros: d'ahhh
fyrst i ros: *farts*
nostrebhtuca: llo
fyrst i ros: false alarm
fyrst i ros: lofl, sorry about that hon
nostrebhtuca: 0o0 k
fyrst i ros: i go crazy like that sometimes
fyrst i ros: it started back in the day when i was chatting online
nostrebhtuca: hehe odd-o
fyrst i ros: and my friend used to do something called "CeRebeRAL pALSY TimE!3223423####$"
fyrst i ros: and she'd do stuff like roll round on the ground foaming at the mouth and saying stupid things
fyrst i ros: it was really funny
fyrst i ros: lofl, so when i get all tarded up, blame her
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: http://www.niddk.nih.gov/health/urolog/images/urside.gif
fyrst i ros: look
nostrebhtuca: ew
fyrst i ros: thats you're p p hole adam
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: marrrwawahh
fyrst i ros: brb, i might call you in a few
nostrebhtuca: *kisses*
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| I LOVE DAN! *aaa hugs the little brother to death* |
[25 Jan 2002|11:42pm] |
|
fyrst i ros: OMG!
fyrst i ros: (i'm going to head back to bed in a second)
fyrst i ros: but i have to tell you the funniest thing
fyrst i ros: my little brother opened my door and starts talking
Zepphyremon: ok :-)
Zepphyremon: uh huh
fyrst i ros: he's like "kristen, i think i'm going to start my own laxitive company."
fyrst i ros: and i'm just trying to hide from the light as he goes on
fyrst i ros: "i could name them batman..."
fyrst i ros: "what do you wannnntt dan?!"
fyrst i ros: "and then my slogan could be 'superman has kryptonite, but batman will let you crap tonight'"
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| nothingness....... .... ... ... ... ... ... .. .. .. ... ... . . . . (feel the nothingness yet?) |
[03 Jan 2002|08:59pm] |
nostrebhtuca: *eats you*
fyrst i ros: but being the kiddingest girl i can be, we all know you're really quite beautiful
fyrst i ros: rawr!
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: *eats you too*
nostrebhtuca: oahhh
nostrebhtuca: now we're nothingness
fyrst i ros: *gasps*
fyrst i ros: i feel so light
fyrst i ros: and non-dimensional
fyrst i ros: lol
fyrst i ros: *wants to feel loved*
fyrst i ros: *turns into the string-theory*
nostrebhtuca: *feels your love*
fyrst i ros: look! i now only exsist in the tenth and twenty sixth dimension!
fyrst i ros: and i'm composed of strings!
nostrebhtuca: lofl
fyrst i ros: some circular and some wooobly
fyrst i ros: i'm a mathmatical equation
fyrst i ros: watch me do my mathmatical-equation-dance!
fyrst i ros: *boogies*
nostrebhtuca: hehehehe
nostrebhtuca: *rubs your panda's nose*
fyrst i ros: eee!
fyrst i ros: *giggles*
nostrebhtuca: hehehehe
fyrst i ros: you should be a mathmatical equation with me
fyrst i ros: and that way you'll have a bamboo that only exsists theoretically.
fyrst i ros: which is fun
fyrst i ros: because to some people, you dont' exsist.
nostrebhtuca: lol
fyrst i ros: eee
fyrst i ros: *calms down*
fyrst i ros: *shifts about*
fyrst i ros: oh i can't help it!
fyrst i ros: *turns into a monkey*
fyrst i ros: lookit me, i'm evolving!
nostrebhtuca: lofl
nostrebhtuca: *panda love*
fyrst i ros: *love*
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